leaked: the work diary of a fossil fuel CEO

burn after reading

Editor’s note: This post is entirely satire and not real. It is, however, based on real tactics used by the fossil fuel industry to deny climate science and delay climate action. Read more of my satire here.

Monday

My alarm blares and I awake with a renewed vigor to keep this great nation hooked on oil. I bound downstairs to eat my usual: veal sausage and black coffee sweetened by the tears of climate activists. This morning, it’s Greta Thunberg’s. The breakfast of champions.

On the way out, I pause by the mirror to file down my horns, and off I go!

It’s a light day at the office so I slip out early for lunch with Chip, a lobbyist for the plastics industry. The push for more renewable energy means less demand for oil and less money for me and the shareholders. But if there’s still demand for cheap plastic (which comes from fossil fuels), we’ve got a lifeline baby.

Chip and I are old friends of course, but I promise to “circle back,” which officially makes it a business meeting. #AlwaysBeExpensing

After lunch, I overhear the business development intern comparing my office chair to the one used by Dr. Evil in Austin Powers when I look nothing like him. I have hair. I tell my assistant to order me a new spinny chair.

Tuesday

I get to the office early to prepare for an important meeting with our marketing division. We’re preparing to launch a new commercial product called “Oil Lite.” It’s our standard crude oil product used to make gasoline, but the pipelines we use to transport it are made from recycled yogurt containers. This makes it sustainable, or as our marketing lead says: “Sustainab-Oil.”

With “Oil Lite”, we’re hoping to win over those drivers who feel bad about not having an electric vehicle. Using “Oil Lite” they can fuel up at gas stations without the guilt, knowing they’ve reduced their carbon footprint. Ah the carbon footprint, another one of our greatest inventions besides, well, oil.

Wednesday

Being an executive comes with a lot of perks tempered by some annoying responsibilities. One of them is helping to maintain our public image by showing up for a few photo ops in the community.

Today it’s a ribbon-cutting event for the Crude Oil Cares Coalition. Me and the other oil execs started this coalition to give back through a donation campaign. For every barrel of oil purchased, we pay two percent of the hospital bills for a child living with respiratory issues near our oil refineries. We write those payments off on our taxes so it’s a win-win-win: A win for us, a win for these communities, and another win for us.

Thursday

The start of the new year means it’s time to start planning the release of our Sustainability Report. This is the fun part of the job: thinking about our company’s accomplishments over the year and what kind of story we want to tell.

This year's theme for the report is Oil with an Impact.

Last year we funded a $2 billion experiment to install a giant Vornado fan in space to cool down the planet. Our first experiment failed due to wrong fan placement, wrong procedure, or an unfortunate combination of both. We’ll need a billion more dollars to know for sure.

We’re also proud of our commitment to compliance. Thanks to the hard work of our safety team, we only had two deepwater oil spills last year. One of them occurred off the coast of Guam, which most Americans don’t even realize is a real place, so I think we’re covered there. That leaves just one oil spill left, which is basically zero.

Friday

Running out the door to a meeting, but wanted to jot down some ideas for new drilling sites to explore later:

• The moon—Once Elon puts a Whole Foods up there

• My childhood home—Under the tree where Nut-Nut the hamster is buried

• Alaska— Former President Biden restricted new oil leases in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, but I think our luck is about to change

Ta ta for now,

Doyle Dennerson