make the EPA cool again

I'm just a girl, sitting in front of a laptop, asking you examine climate celebrityhood.

Late one evening years ago, I stumbled into a dark room on my college campus. No, I wasn’t there for an orgy (I never scored an invite). I was about to watch the latest film for a course called “Documentary and the Environment.” The film was An Inconvenient Truth, starring one of the first “climate celebrities” I’d come to know: Al Gore.

Armed with a long, hard…Powerpoint, Gore shifted the public discourse on climate change at a time when the science was fiercely contested. He told America how we should really feel about the impending climate crisis: alarmed. 

Some climate celebrities are also activists—see Bill McKibben and Greta Thunberg, while others use their fame to take a stance on climate—see Leonardo DiCaprio and Big Al. People of color, like Wangari Maathai, Hazel Johnson, Elizabeth Yeampierre, Jacqueline Patterson and countless others have led the climate revolution for decades, but the big household climate names remain white, from wealthy Western nations. Public discourse has evolved, but the climate celebrity persona hasn’t.

There is something comforting about a stern, but approachable white man explaining science to me while donning a sport coat. I blame my childhood crush on OG science zaddy Bill Nye.  It has me thinking about whether the climate movement needs an authoritative, public face to be successful, and what the role of celebrities should be, if any. 

I came of age at the height of the tabloid economy, when JLo’s pregnancy and military campaigns in Iraq shared equal air time. Even now, I’m eager to get my paws on Britney Spears’ debut memoir, though there are more urgent matters in the world.

Sure, we shame celebs for over-watering their lawns during droughts and they are essentially walking mascots for consumerism. But can their access and privilege be used to uplift the work of the real climate heroes? Heroes like the activists risking their lives on the frontlines, voters holding politicians accountable, and the unsung public servants enforcing environmental laws in relative obscurity.

The Black head of the EPA, Michael Regan, is a climate celebrity in his own right. But I wonder if the climate movement needs celebrities—and the massive platform they possess— to really command global attention. If, for instance, celebrities ran each department of the Environmental Protection Agency, it might look something like this…

Deputy Head of the EPA: Megan Thee Stallion 

I’m going to say something controversial yet brave. Meg Thee Stallion has more political capital in her manicured pinky than President Biden ever will. With so many musical collaborations under her belt, she has what it takes to work across the aisle for the greater good. She coined the phrase, “Hot girl summer,” which I hope someone writes on my tombstone. Meg, this is your sign to pull out the “Hot Girls Against Hot Oceans” merch you’ve been saving since you started your own beach clean up program. Purr.

Office of Chemical Safety and Pollution Prevention: Beyoncé

This might seem like an odd choice, but stay with me. This department protects people from toxic chemical exposure. If there’s anyone who knows their way around harmful chemicals—rather, how to avoid them—it’s Queen B. The woman is 42, but doesn’t look a day over 25. She’s clearly not drinking the same PFAS-laced water we are, and if she is, she found an antidote. If you also went on the Renaissance tour, and felt **different** afterwards, I’m convinced that was the nerve gas she had piped through the stadium. With Yoncé in power, we can finally sic the Beyhive on Big Ag pesticide producers.

Office of the Chief Financial Officer: Patti LaBelle

Black women over 65 are great money managers. If you’ve ever stood behind Aunt Pearl as she paid for her groceries with 32 freshly-cut coupons you know this. These women were raising families of five on $30 a month at the height of a recession! Patti LaBelle is the obvious pick here. She’s still living off the money earned by her music and has tons of successful business ventures, including PIES. Anyone who knows how to manufacture peach cobbler to scale without skimping on the butter should hold the EPA’s purse strings. No Republican attempting to chip away at the EPA’s funding would dare to tango (did I mention her “Dancing with the Stars” stint?) with the Godmother of Soul.

Office of Environmental Justice and External Civil Rights: Common

This office is all about environmental equity. Accountability. Civil rights. Is there another celebrity more passionate about JUSTICE than Common? I too shed a thug tear watching Selma when his song “Glory” came on. While I couldn’t name a single album by Common, I could tell you that he’s a Global Citizen ambassador with a few nonprofit endeavors under his belt. Someone give this man a seat on the Supreme Court before the right-wingers make him a target! 

Criminal Investigation Division: The EPA does a surprising amount of investigative work, and this is the office behind it all. Special agents expose the illegal dumping of hazardous chemicals, tampering with drinking water supplies, and the like.  This office needs someone who will doggedly pursue the truth. Someone like Oprah.  Sure, she skirted water restrictions to keep her garden alive, but I wonder if we can leverage her interrogation skills for good. Picture Oprah sitting across from a fossil fuel exec attempting to hide his company’s methane emissions. Oprah yanks him up and shines a lamp into his eyes, “Tell me where you hide the reports Jeff, or you’re gonna burn for this.” Woof, I’m getting excited just thinking about it.

Office of International and Tribal Affairs: Because pollution does not respect political boundaries, this office works at the intersection of foreign policy and the environment. Lupita Nyong'o has the international experience and diplomacy to pull this off.  She’s also been a longtime conservation advocate, as a Global Elephant Ambassador against illegal poaching. Plus, we know she’s newly single, so won’t mind hopping on a red-eye to broker a bilateral water treaty at a moment’s notice. It’s giving Captain Planet minus the underage sidekicks.

Office of Water: Jaden Smith (Intern)

Remember when Jaden Smith tried to make us drink water from milk cartons? His plan may have been half-baked, but his passion for that sweet H2O is certainly there. I hear he’s moved on to electric cars now, but I’d like to see the prodigal son return to ensure the safety of our drinking water. Jaden’s resume looks a little light, but perhaps we can toss him an internship or two.

Oprah to Amazon workers